My father has a story he tells anytime you mention Harrison Ford. It is an epic tale from his younger days when he worked at a movie theater. He remembers vividly setting up a huge cardboard cutout for the film "Raiders of the Lost Ark." He didn't know much about the movie and wasn't particularly interested. Before he left for his lunch break that day, he slipped into one of the theaters playing it and caught the opening. He became an Indiana Jones fan for life. He claims to this day that it has the most action in the first ten minutes than any other movie.

    This leads me to conclude two things: 1.) that my family is insanely boring and has to really stretch to find interesting stories to pass down through the generations and 2.) that people like those tomb raidery-type movies. So it's little wonder that a movie like Tomb Raider should come along. Replacing Indiana Jones with the monstrous-big lips of Angelina Jolie (if you took every single bottle of chap stick she ever had to use throughout her life and laid them on next to the other, it would stretch around the Earth five times) as the adventurous Lara Croft.

    Now Lara is a Tomb Raider. She'd have to be, or the movie's title wouldn't make any sense. As a Tomb Raider, she raids tombs, naturally, and steals the priceless artifacts therein. And that's all well and good. But a giant solar eclipse is approaching (it only happens once every five thousand years!) and a shadowy organization known as the Illuminati are preparing to conquer the world, or something. I guess. Mostly it boils down to Lara racing the villainous Illuminati representative, Powell, for two halves of some magic triangle (Tri-Force?) carved out of a meteor, forged in the fires of Mt. Doom when the world was young and candy bars could be bought with a nickel.

    Along the way, Lara kills all kinds of monsters, robots, people, and people that look like robot monsters. And probably a dog or two. I can't remember. And while I'm watching this fluff and trying not to be too conspicuous at staring at her ample bosoms, I'm thinking "Hey, this would make a great game."

    And it really would. Obviously, players would gain control of Tomb Raider Lara Croft as she battles stone monkey statues to grab priceless relics that are ludicrously booby trapped, all the while looking quite good doing it. The control scheme would be something easy to get into, like those found in the Indiana Jones game recently released for the Xbox and Playstation 2. Lara would be able to jump, shoot, leap pits of spikes in a single bound, and swing on vines.

    The game would be mission based to help break up all the different locations. Maybe one mission will involve Lara riding her motorcycle into town at ridiculously high speeds, while gamers have to bob and weave and maneuver between traffic and confused pedestrians. Then there could be neat stealth levels. Maybe Lara tries sneaking into the Illuminati headquarters, but she can't be discovered by the guards along the way. Players would be able to sidle against walls, lurk in the shadows, and shoot out lights with a silenced pistol as she makes her way to the inner sanctum.

    Mini games are always good to break up tedium, and the movie provided plenty of opportunities for this. Perhaps there could be a bungee jumping level that takes place in Lara's mansion. The more tricks you do, the more points you get. The more points you get, the better the weapons you will receive in the next mission. Then there could be sled races and whatnot in the later levels. Why not?

    And the enemies you would fight... oh, the enemies. They would be impressive, huge creatures just like the robot in the movie. And not only that, but humans, too. If you don't want to waste ammo on them, you can engage enemies in deadly hand-to-hand combat or even break their arms and steal their own weapons from them! And if they send attack dogs at you, why, Lara can just pick them up and throw them at their human masters. The opportunities for variety are endless!

    Lara will also have plenty of vehicles at her disposal to help her get around the various locales. From small helicopters to jet skis, she can pretty much afford any type of vehicle she could possibly need. In this way, I suppose, it would be a lot like Grand Theft Auto 3, that goldmine of wonderful gameplay elements.

    And finally, the replay value. Upon completing the game, new levels and missions will open up that only the hardiest of adventure gamers would dare to tackle. By completing each area, interviews with the developers and hidden blooper reels would be unlocked, thus giving an incentive to take on the tough missions.

    Actually, you know what? Forget all that. I've got a better idea. Let's make Lara's boobs three times their current size, toss her in some random dungeon with a few monsters and some guns, and call it a day. Sound good? I thought so, too.