Oh...my God. Is it the best movie of all time? No! Definitely not! Is it my favorite movie of the week? Ah, most assuredly. Gargantua is the heartwarming story of giant (obviously) dinosaurs made of the cheapest rubber that come up from the depths, thirty stories high, to gnaw on human flesh. Sure, it's just another "radiation” = big, evil monsters" movie, but what sets this puppy apart is Adam Baldwin (the forgotten Baldwin and, incidentally, my favorite). Not that it makes much difference, really. The film (hear that sound? that's the sound of a thousand film school students plotting to murder me for using such a lofty term for such a lowly monster flick) still manages to be mind- numbingly stupid. Then again, that's what makes it so much fun. Take this scene, for example: The Gargantua dinosaur comes out of the ocean to break up a game of catch between mother and daughter. It then proceeds to terrorize the local beach bums (takes place on an island, mind you) that go running through the streets of town screaming out random things. One man says "It's a giant lizard!" Another screams "It's going to eat us all." And then one small man shouts, and I quote, "It's got a gun!!!" Priceless.

    It's not all wine and roses, though. There are a few low points that just can't be redeemed. For one thing, the bazookas that the military fires at the creatures look suspiciously like roman candles. And then there's the baby Gargantua. It's very obviously a puppet, but that's not the problem. The problem, actually, is that it looks like a lime green phallus (look that word up, kids! It's the word of the day!) with eyes. Not exactly something you want to see repeatedly in a film, unless you're into that kind of thing. I'm not, though. Really.

    So, as always, the Gargantuas start causing all sorts of trouble and only the weiner scientist (that'd be Baldwin. Go figure) knows how to stop them. His bright idea is sound waves. And bombs. Mostly bombs. And if there's one thing gamers like more than weiner scientists, it's blowing crap up with bombs. So naturally, a game based on Gargantua would be perfect. Especially as one of those cheap PC games you always see at Wal-Mart, hidden behind the latest version of Mah-Jong Xtreme (!!) or Super Tetris 5000.

    Seriously, this movie had about a two dollar budget and half of that was spent on a cheeseburger, so nobody will mind if the quality of this game stinks. Heck, here's what I'm thinking: Missile Command. Sure. And don't look at me that way. I'm not totally insane. With Missile Command being re-released a while back for computers, its game engine is ripe for the thievin' and it's already been established that the creators of Gargantua are totally without shame. So why not? Heck, I can see it now: Guiding little air-to-sea torpedoes into the open mouths of Gargantuas lurking below. Because instead of the traditional Missile Command gameplay (protect cities from incoming..well...missiles), you'll be the one doing the shooting, with the dinosaurs taking place of the cities. See where I'm going with this? Ah hahahahaha. Err. Excuse me. That just popped right out.

    Ah, but the Gargantuas aren't sedentary by nature. They like to move. So you have to plan your attacks ahead, as the torpedoes are somewhat slow moving. To make things even more difficult, there's the fish and other sea life that are wandering around, too. While it's actually kind of fun to spend thousands of taxpayer's dollars on blowing up Flounder, you only get so many torpedoes. So try to make them count.

    Ok, so all of that sounded really cheap and you know, it's sort of supposed to. The kind of people who watch this movie are either borderline psychotic or just plain insomniacs who know better than to try to find something else on TV at that hour of the morning. It's not like this sort of degenerate human will mind taking a few dollars out of his or her strict serial killer/ stalker budget to pick this little gem up. Heck, the game will even come with free coupons for your local China Star! Everybody wins.