Link To Us
|
|
|
The Gamer's SoapBox #4
by Chad Phillips
The Hidden Fanboy
A small glint is spotted within the almost unlit room. Only the soft glow of some type of monitor is seen, the back of it facing you. The glint is seen again, and you slowly creep down into the basement, lingering as one step creeks. Finally, you reach the bottom and attempt to peer around the massive box. Slowly, two ovals lurk to the edge of your view, appearing to glow. The glow is just a reflection of the screen, and the ovals are the “vision enhancing aid” of a creature that used to be your brother, your father, and (possibly, but unlikely) your sister or mother. This is an enhanced breed, capable of seeing through the dark, dingy basements of the world as if a thousand lights were glaring inside of it. They talk the talk, chat the chat, and have very little, if any, contact with other “humans” in real life. I like to call them the ACNE (Advanced Computer Nerd – Enhanced). Yes folks, believe it or not, there are some people actually so hardwired into their CPUs that to remove them from it longer than thirty human minutes would put them into a coma, and kill the most diseased. These gamers/hackers/web-designers and otherwise Computer Junkies are a danger to those around them and themselves.
Now, within this subspecies are several subspecies. There are ACNE Gamers, ACNE Internet Addicts, ACNE hackers, ACNE Solitaire players, and finally, ACNE chatters. Actually, there are many more of those, but I fear if I list any more that I may risk your sanity. Today, my children, we shall learn about these subspecies. Hopefully you don’t fall under one of these categories, and if you fall under more than one: may the Lord have mercy on you.
ACNE Gamers (ANCEG) – These are the crème de la crème, the best of the best. They excel at whichever game(s) they play and will let you know about it. Frequent uses of the phrases “u sux, n00b!” and “lololol, i beaten u!11” can point towards someone who may be an ACNEG. Try to avoid these creatures at all costs, unless you like to stir up some trouble. Essentially, join any game, talk as much trash (“you sux, r00kie, go back to Barbie’s Dream House for Mac!”) against the aforementioned individual, and watch as the hornets’ nest is sprayed with water. WARNING: If this ACNEG is also a ACNEH (hacker), you might want to ensure that you haven’t gotten the creature so angry that within seconds the Blue Screen of Death is not laughing back at you.
ACNE Hackers (ACNEH) – You can find a grove of these little, but painful, critters on IRC Chat Rooms (labeled “H4xOrZ CuM HeeR”) and some underground websites. The most beneficial (and fun) way to interact with one of these fuzzy, little guys is to befriend one and convince him to do his dirty work on your enemies’ computers (ie – that kid at school that just gave you a swirly for the fiftieth time this year). Otherwise, stay far far away, unless you wish to lose all the files off of your computer (along with the other useless data that a hacker can wipe from your drive).
ACNE Solitaire Player (ACNESP) – These are probably the least lethal of all the ACNE’s. More than likely, they are the least developed, too. This category is most likely the one your mother or crazy aunt has fallen into. They tend to use such words as “nifty” and “neato”, and own versions of Solitaire never known to normal people. WARNING: Solitaire is just a bridge to the “bigger” and “more dangerous” forms of addiction, like Spades and Virtual Chess.
ACNE Chatters (ACNEC) – Oh dear, these critters, in my opinion, are the worst of the bunch. They are less dangerous of all, but by far the most annoying. These ACNE’s are extremely advanced in the “Chat Language”, and have molded and formed it into a language almost alien to any on this planet. This, however, is just a pistol in the arsenal of the ACNEC. They use every technique possible, trained by their mentors (old ACNECs they have never met), to grind their way into your nerves and drive you to insanity. They avoid away messages. They use approximately 2.5 emoticons per line. They have a cheery disposition that is never possible for normal humans. I’m sorry folks, but the only weapon against them is the block option, and even then, they have multiple screen names, ready to ask you “Y dID u blockerz meh?~!/”. The only total solution is to stay far away from any instant messenger and pray they find someone else to suck the life out of. The sad part is, the most likely person to be changed into this horrible monster, is your teen sister. Oh Buddha, save me now!
Well, that about wraps it up for this week folks, thanks for reading and beware the dreaded ACNE, for you just may be turning into one yourself…
Chad Phillips – Lunatic/Gamer/Possible ACNE
|
|
|
|
