I began this column with a cheesy horror film, so it's only fitting that it should end that way. And when it comes to cheese, Darkness Falls is crawling with it. If anyone needs proof of this in "25 words or less," here it is: It's a horror movie about the Tooth Fairy. Yes, that Tooth Fairy. All right, so there's actually a back story and as near as I can tell, it goes something like this (try to count the similarities to Michael Jackson as we go along)...

    100 years ago in the town of Darkness Falls, an elderly woman named Matilda used to love to hang out with small children. She liked them so much, in fact, that she would give them a gold coin for each baby tooth they brought her. She then took these teeth and put them in a jar, thus earning her the nickname of "Tooth Fairy." Unfortunately for the creepy old lady, a fire tears through her house (since this lady seems to be based on Michael Jackson, it's probably safe to assume that this fire was started when she fell asleep puffing on the ol' ganja in bed) and she's left horribly scarred and acutely allergic to sunlight. To help with this, she makes a mask (out of teeth, too. guess you get a lot more free time when you can't leave the house. Free time to build teeth masks and write silly columns) which she uses to go outside but only at night. But this lady just can't catch a break. Two children go missing, and the brilliant townsfolk blame Matilda. Wasting no time, they rip her mask off in broad daylight (hope they have strong stomachs) and hang her. Before she dies she.. ah.. I don’t know, I guess she curses the town or turns into a ghost or something. I have no idea, really. A few days later, both kids show up unharmed. Whoops. Not even wasting enough time to say "Our bad," the townspeople quickly bury the body of the Tooth Fairy and tell of her existence as nothing more than a story to scare children.

    Of course, it's more than a story. In fact, Matilda's still floatin' around and harassing children. But she doesn't just terrorize any kids, oh no. She has these funky rules she has to go by. I guess when you're undead, you've got time to come up with this crap. Those rules, in fact, help make this one of the most arbitrary "horror" films in a long while. Let's go over some of these rules: (1.) She hates light. Won't touch the stuff. If you stay in the light, you stay alive. (2.) She only attacks kids when they lose their last baby tooth. Who knows why? (3.) She only kills people that see her. (4.) The only real type of light that seems to hurt her are fluorescent lights and sunlight, but lightning bolts don't bother her, which, oddly enough, makes most of these rules (and most of the movie) lose any coherence it might had originally had. I'm sure there are other rules, but I'd hate to think about this too much. Maybe if you don't move, she won't be able to see you, or something.

    So yeah. We don't have a whole lot to work with here if we're shooting for a direct videogame translation of the movie. After all, there's only really one monster and she's kind of lame. So what to do? Well, start after the film ends, naturally. In fact, the entire plot would center around just why, exactly, Matilda was able to return from the dead (the film never explains this). In this way, it could take a direct cue from Silent Hill: a town so inherently evil that monsters of all kinds are born and drawn there. There you go. Now you have a chance for more monsters of varying kinds. But to keep with the feel and theme of the movie, let's say that this evil force in the town is so horrible and black that any kind of light is painful to it. There you go.

    Obviously, this would be a survival horror game. Much like in the movie, light is vitally important. Instead of weapons, players will be given flashlights (batteries being the ammo), flares, and even a strobe light near the end for the last boss, the Great Darkness itself. And if you want to get really creative, the main character could even find cameras and use the flash function to fend off the beasties haunting the town. As for the main character himself, the main character from the movie would work just fine. Heck, maybe he'd get a chance to actually to add some depth to his shallow caricature of a human that he portrayed in the movie. But since this is survival horror, I really doubt that.

    Locations would vary drastically as you wander the town. The game will begin in the lighthouse where the final battle with the Tooth Fairy took place. The main character (amazingly, I can't even remember his name. And I saw this movie three hours ago) will be just about to leave and ride off into the sunset when he discovers that the night has brought even more monsters. Though not as strong as ol' Matilda, these things are still a bit of a problem. In true, shallow hero form, the main character decides to clean the town up. Armed with nothing but a flashlight, the game begins. From there, you'll visit hospitals, abandoned city streets, the docks, and even a logging factory. And I'm sure here could be plenty of other neat locales other than that. Of course, it's vitally important that the last level you visit will have a power outage of some sort, leaving you with the most minimal light possible. Fun.

    As for the voice acting, I'm sure the real actors from the movie aren't doing anything now and could really use the work, so that's a pretty easy thing. As far as music is concerned, I think a Tomb Raider approach would be the most interesting: no music for the most part, only at certain times. That ought to help up the tension a bit.

    It's amazing how you can watch a movie and a game idea will just jump out at you. This was defenitely one of those occasions, and it's a little regretful that it will most likely never happen. I suppose games like Fatal Frame (and the real Silent Hill, sure) will be enough to keep most fans satisfied, but still, it's nice to dream. And that's mostly what this column was all about. I hope everyone enjoyed it while it lasted. I know I certainly did.