When Nintendo got wind of Sony delving into the handheld gaming business, the CEOs must have collectively wet their steam-pressed, three-peice suits and then started wondering if they had somehow canceled a deal with Sony to slap a mini-disc drive attachment on to the next Gameboy. Wiping their brows and congratulating each other that they had in fact not made the Same mistake as they did the last time they dealed with Sony, they immediately looked to something that may be able to suck sales from the PSP until the next Gameboy.

With the "next" gameboy far off, Nintendo apparently decided to find the craziest-looking hobo on the street and ask him what might be a good idea to compete with a super-advanced handheld with a larger screen. The hobo, who, as my intelligence gathered, was in fact Mr. Miyamoto, who was out on the streets researching ideas for his next game, "Crazy Pikmin Stadium DDX v 2.0" in which a homeless japanese man-- I'm sorry, I'm getting off topic. Anyway, Mr. Miyamoto, apparently on some type of illegal substance, pitched the idea that if you can't make the screen bigger, make TWO! Yes, as they say, two is better than one! Thus, the Nintendo DS was born. Note that the accuracy of this story is only as legitamate as my source. My source is Bob, and he lives in my big toenail.

So, Nintendo tells the press that they have a BRAND NEW handheld on the way, tentively named "Nintendo DS." This is a very clever name, because DS stands for Double Screen. I wish I got paid to make up codenames for Nintendo projects; I bet I could do a hell of a lot of a better job than whoever it is that does it at the moment (I'm presuming it's Mr. Miyamoto's pet chimpanzee). Anyway, before we can WONDER if this is the next Gameboy, Nintendo says that it will, in fact, not compete with the upcoming Gameboy. Wow, good thing, because I sure am looking forward to owning two different handhelds from Nintendo. Can anyone say "Virtual Boy"? Wait, let's not be negative! Let's pretend that Nintendo has learned from their past mistakes.

In the recent past weeks, information about the DS has been leaked, interpretted through interviews, or otherwise let known to the press which feels obligated to let us know about an little tidbit that may be a possibility. Not only that, but there are more press concepts of the system than the ratio of virgin to non-virgin gamers. Yeah, you know what I'm talking about, don't even try it.

Now, let's go down Nintendo's "official" information:

• Two, 3-inch, TFT screens; vertically aligned
• Two seperate processors
• 1 GB semiconductor memory

That's some exciting stuff. In fact, from some of the "leaked" information, Nintendo is right on the tails of the PSP. Talk about catching up. Since Nintendo has released very little official information about the system, I have taken it upon myself to steal information and links from other gaming sites, then relay that information to you and include a few witticisms in between to keep things fresh.

First, we saw Nintendo's developer site (Wario World) use an image with the codename "Nitro" for a link to information about the Nintendo DS. Shortly after the press got wind of it, Nintendo hurriedly changed the image to "Nintendo DS." OH NO! NOT THE CODENAME! THEY KNOW THE CODENAME! THEY MIGHT FIGURE IT ALL OUT FROM "NITRO"! Nonetheless, pretty useless information unless the word "Nitro" gets you excited and revved. In that case, get your mullet-capped self back over to the TV and back to watching NASCAR.

Then, a spec sheet (in japanese) is "leaked." The sheet shed a ton of light on to the new system, while still leaving a lot in the dark. Apparently it COULD be fake, but the people that like to call themselves "experts" have said it looks real. Since we're all Nintendo fans and we have nothing else to do but beat our own best times in Reverse 150cc mode on Mario Kart: Double Dash, let's indulge ourselves and accept this information as "true."

The low down:

• ARM-9 Processor (67 MHz) & ARM-7 processor (33 Mhz)
• 656Kb Video RAM
• 2D Graphics abilities
• 3D Graphics abilities (Draw rate of 120,000 polygons/second)
• 802.11 wireless LAN built-in
• Touch-Panel

Holy features, Marioman! Although the PSP outweighs the DS in 3D capabilities, the fact that 3D is even mentioned for a Nintendo handheld is exciting (Nitro!!!). Not only that, but what really peaked my interest is the 802.11 support. For those that are clueless what this means, just think of what a normal LAN party would be, but without wires. Yes, it's the same technology used in wireless routers and PCs right now, and it's powerful stuff. Not only that, but a touch-panel? Could this be the reason for the second screen? Who knows? Analysts have speculated that it could be used for local instant messaging. And I thought I hated when people messaged me while I was playing Unreal Tournament. I can't wait until I'm playing a remake of Mario 64 and some jackoff sends me a drawing of what he thinks of me. Thanks. Then again, we're all just pretending this is true. Moving along... The mention of RAM for video is very exciting (NITRO!!!) as well. Already there's been cartridges in the works for the GBA that will contain a single episode of a cartoon that will play back on that cute little screen. If Nintendo decides to go with a disc drive (or use some kind of media card) for the DS, we could possibly see entire movies in our hands. The DS is sounding more and more like a nice little machine that MAY not be a waste of our money coughVirtualBoycough. I suppose I'll fall into the proverbial sand trap of a rumor-based article and say "We'll find out at E3." But come on, that's in MAY! We can't wait, can we? I guess we'll have to. Just you and me. Hold me. I need my Nintendo fix.