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The Gamer's Soapbox Strikes Back: Premiere
by Chad Phillips
A spike of biting cold wind blows through a disheveled group of college-age kids. They have donned jackets with red Nintendo logos stitched on the back, hats commemorating the day Halo 2 was released, or even the more “groundbreaking” have old console controllers hanging from their necks like the giant clocks of old-school rap. It’s mid-December and although it’s cold enough to snow, the dry ground indicates that Mother Nature is in no mood to give them a winter wonderland of sparkling joy. They’ve gathered here for one reason: The biggest announcement to hit gaming history. Well, two, I promised them ten bucks if they showed up for at least fifteen minutes.
Yes, little do they know that as I approach a old, dainty, wooden crate that I am about to announce the (second, third, fourth, who’s counting?) return of The Gamer’s Soapbox. Wrapped in a cheap, black trench coat I obtained for $199.99 off of an “official” Matrix webshop, I approach them with a lunging gait. Their glazed eyes become frightened, wondering if I am in fact from RIAA, ready to bust them for illegally sharing those Mariah Carey albums that mean so much to the industry. No, I am not one of those cold-hearted, faceless suits. I am here to let them know that what they’ve been craving has returned.
I leap forward, my 50%-cotton, 50%-polyester coat fluttering behind me. I land on the crate. A crunch. My feet are now inside my broken crate. No matter! I step coolly out of the shattered mess of my make-shift podium. Clearing my throat, I project my voice, “No fear, ladies and gentlemen… The Gamer’s Soapbox is BACK!”
Disappointment crawls across their faces as the meaning of my ejaculation (teehee) seeps into their sleep-deprived brains. They demand their money and when I tell them that my news is more important than money I realize that it was a good idea to park not far away. Did I mention I chose those that might not run too quickly, but could spread the news? Needless to say, if you come across a torn, black trench coat in the back parking lot of the Popeye’s off Route 50, let me know.
If you sat through that, you most likely enjoy my writing or otherwise have nothing else to do. In either case, I do have a point to this returning issue of TGS. As the winter holidays near, many gamers, particularly those that don’t celebrate Christmas, are wondering what they can possibly do with the excess time they have over the winter break. Whether your break is from your job, your school, or just the personal holiday you took “between employment” this guide is for YOU!
Recycle!
No, I don’t mean helping the environment out. Who’d want that when you have so much better things on your mind, like getting 100% in San Andreas? When I say recycle, I mean take all those Catwoman and Fight Club videogames your “helpful” aunts and uncles got you and turn them in for store credit. Seriously, they figured that since you’re going to waste your life on videogames, they might as well act like they know you like them. Why not send you a great “discount” game for Christmas!?
Get a Life!
I’m not one to speak, but get out there! Nowadays your pasty gamer skin is just as in as being tanned and hot was! All you need is some black eye-lining and lipstick. Die your hair as dark as possible and you’ll fit in with all those Insane Clone Posse fans that hang out at the mall talking about how bad their life is. You can even share your experiences trying to commit suicide. Seriously, you’ll want to commit suicide after hanging with this group of people. Really makes you appreciate being outcast as a geeky gamer, don’t it?
Learn To Fly An Airplane
That’s right folks! You TOO can learn to fly an airplane! Imagine soaring the skies and actually doing what you’ve been doing in Microsoft’s Flight Simulator. No, not running a plane into your and diving out at the last minute as giant movie-like explosions flare up behind you as you fly towards the camera screaming. Learn to fly @ BeAPilot.com
Watch Some Game-Related Movies
Well, they aren’t movies, but Rooster Teeth (the guys behind Red vs. Blue, a popular online show using the Halo engine) has gone into production alongside EA Games to create another series. This time it’s using The Sims 2’s amazing camera to give us more from the guys that made us laugh as well as feel good to be gamers. The series is call Strangerhood and the first three episodes as well as the trailer can be seen at Strangerhood.com. Mini-Review: Don’t expect too much from these first episodes except for a few laughs per episode. I’m assuming Rooster Teeth are holding out and generating a strong story along several more episodes.
Make Your Own Machinima
Just what IS machinima (pronounced “machine-ih-mah”)? It’s the art of making films in “virtual reality.” In other words, through videogames. You can make your own as long as you have a mic, any game, and some recording software (and hardware, if it’s a console game). For more information, go to the official Academy of Machinima Arts & Sciences site. To download films made by others, check out Machinima.com
Start Online Petitions
This just in! Starting online petitions for responsible internet users to sign will always work to get what you want! Start one to bring Sega’s hardware division back! Start one to make sure Nintendo puts their next console online! Even one to prevent anymore Mary-Kate and Ashley games from being released! Ask anyone, they work.
So, now you have plenty of stuff to sustain you over the holiday break after you’ve beaten all those games you got over the holidays. This is The Gamer on the Soapbox (damn, that’s cheesey). Expect to see more from my mouth in the next couple of months. You can send me your comments, complaints, or whatever’s on your mind through chad@vgcity.com . I also have an AIM address, so feel free to catch me on my Chadapted screen name.
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